Take The Most Awkward and Uncomfortable Thing You Can Think Of...Times That By TEN (Or Maybe A Thousand...), And You Have Last Night's Bachelor Finale...
Photo via ABC
Ugh. This is when I am really need in of that "I'm so OVER this" emoji. Last night's Bachelor Finale OR the Finale Rose, as they call it, was likee SO MIZ. Like, it was 100% hands down one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things I've on live television...like more awkward than Tom Cruise's infamous interview with Matt Lauer, more awkward than Kate plus 8's recent interview with Savannah Guthrie, MORE awkward than Kanye saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" and Mike Meyers just standing there speechless during the national Hurricane Katrina announcement...well, maybe not that awk, but it was still like, really, SO awkward. I can't say it enough. It was cringe worthy.
Okay, so first off we have Clare. Clare has this kid of epiphany when she on her last date with JP and she starts to question like if he really loves her yada yada. It's annoying that Clare like STILL won't tell us what he said, but apparently it was "offensive" and "sexually explicit..."#OH. After their awkward last date, Clare's gut, just like Kerry's on Scandal (lol), was telling her something was wrong, and that maybe Juan is a dick and she should def go home. BUUUT shamefully, Juan coaxed her back in with his slurred English (isn't that legit what it sounds like?!) and Clare fell in love again. But we were ALL thinking, WTF just HAPPENED in that like really weird 10 or 15 minutes where we LIT couldn't understand a word any of them were saying?!! Like, if anyone asked me to recap what they were talking about, I couldn't even lie. I have no earthly idea.
I think it is safe to say that the majority of us really hated Clare. I mean we hated both Clare and Nikki, but people really hated Clare. But, after last night's show, I mean, I at least had some respect for her. Do I still think she's annoying as hell? Yes. Should she have gone home and left JP when she felt it? Yes. But, everything she said to Juan after he rejects her was great like: "You are are NOT the man I thought you were!" (That makes two of us, Clare). "And I'm glad my kids aren't gonna have a father like you!" (something like that...) POW. Then when Chris Harrison asked her on the after show if she would like to speak to Juan she says no because: "I don't want to be fed any more of bullshit." - TRUE. You go girl.
Two thumbs up for Clare.
It's clear that JP didn't pick Clare because she was too complex and the fact that she questioned him on the last date, he wasn't about that. Just like Andi did. Especially after Clare tells him off at the end and he says: "Whew, glad I didn't pick her..." LIKE OKAY JUAN. I mean, we knew you only wanted to have sex with her anyways. You made that SO clear on several occasions...
So, then Clare finally leaves the island and I was thinking how miz it would be to 1) have to walk in that damp sand with heels on and 2) have to go back to the main island on that little motor boat if you don't win. #miz.
LOL. Photo via ABC
So, after that Nikki arrives and we know Nikki wins. She seemed pretty damn confident too, like what was up with that? Anyways, he tells Nikki that he "LIKES" her and has a had a "perfect" time with her AKA she hasn't ONCE fought with him or confronted him with her feelings. Even though the WHOLE finale she was all MIZ about him NOT saying "I love you" to her. Like she was SO miz. She was sobbing!! So, then Nikki comes to the after show with Chris Harrison and everyone in the audience especially gorgeous Sharleen and newly weds who I am SO obsessed with, Sean and Catherine are like cringing hardcore at Nikki's testimony. Like, she's basically telling Chris it's okay that she loves Juan, but he doesn't love her...still...after four months. It's one thing NOT to propose if you are unsure about marriage, but it's another to be almost 5 months into a relationship and only one person has said "I love you" while the other person has just said "yeah, I like you a lot." I mean you can feel the tension between Nikki and JP as their sitting there, Nikki doesn't say a word and her face looks miserable as Juan just babbles on about God knows what making NO sense. Nikki is def cringing too because she knows we know that this is all bull shiz. Chris Harrison finally asks Nikki how she feels about all of this and Nikki is 100% forcing herself into loving Juan and saying that everything is all good in the hood and even though they have been living apart for four months and have NO clue what they're next move is...she still loves him and she doesn't need to put a time limit on it. HA, okay. OH and I'm sorry, JP didn't say what their next move is it's PRIVATE. HA. Private my ass. You just told us all that you were so excited to have sex with three women in the fantasy suite and now you want to be private?! UM #NO.
Click HERE for the CBS video of the Final Rose Interview
The best part of the after show, besides Sharleen looking flawless per usual, and Brooks' (sexy hair man from Des' season) new haircut (obsessed with both of them its fine), was how frustrated Sean Lowe was with Juan. Sean's face is just priceless during everything Juan says, like he def wants to smack Juan upside da head. Like, Sean loves Catherine soo much and it's SO cute, he defended the Bachelor really and was like listen Juan, if you love this girl you should tell her because "the moment I knew, I could not wait to tell her..." AWW. (Every girl also grew to appreciate Sean like a lot more and his marriage with Catheriene...). Catherine also chimed in expressing her love for Sean and saying that Juan and Nikki's whole arrangement is just confusing...ding ding ding! We have a winner! Confusing, YUP. That's what it is. Sean also reminds Juan that as private he may want things to be OR shady is another word for it, nothing about this show is every private so nice try.
They're like the cutest. Loves it. They're Instgrams...I can't. SO adorbs.
The most AWK part of the show? UMM When Juan Pablo was apparently supposed to have a BIG surprise for Nikki and the viewers, but when Chris asked if he would share the surprise, JP awkwardly acted confused and said that Chris was mistaken and that there was indeed NO surprise...like WTF?! There was such an AWK silence...you could tell Chris was like, wait - what? According E! News, a source said that JP was originally supposed to propose to Nikki and that Neil Lane rock was on standby just in case...BUT, obviously that didn't happen....TALK ABOUT MIZ.
I mean...Nikki is def PISSED this isn't on her finger. Photo via ABC.
So, all in all, to recap that recap -
Crazy Clare came to her senses...Nikki is pretty, but she's just a big mute idiot, like JP clearly doesn't love you and it's embarrassing, why hasn't your Scandal-esc gut told you to LEAVE yet?!...Sharleen looked banging, Brooks looked fly, Des and Chris are still together but didn't get one word in, Even Chris Harrison was so perplexed by JP and Nikki he had to get up and take a lap during the commercial break...Sean loves Catherine....a lot...and their marriage IS real, duh...Juan may be a good dad and look great in a navy blue suit, be he's 100% a dick.
So he essentially just did men everywhere a favor...Conrgats to all the asshole men out there! You are no longer as bad as JP.
Oh man. Somewhere in Atlanta Andi Dorfman was watching the finale and wasn't saying "ees okay" for Niki and Clare, buuut "I told you so." Welp, look who gets to hold the roses now bitches!! #Bachelorette #TeamAndi.
Awww. We're all SO pumped for Andi!
photo via Kelly Travis Twitter @kellytravisty
photo via Kelly Travis Twitter @kellytravisty
