BACH MEN TELL ALL RECAP

This Just In: JOJO's BOOBS are FAKE!! (LOL well, maybe)... But Here's Our Bachelor MEN TELL RECAP!!

On Tuesday, night we all to a break from watching what has been quite a star-studded DNC, to get our MEN TELL ALL ON. Oh YEAH! The Tell All is one of the BEST episodes, if not the best episode of the complete Bachelor season. So let's hope into what my man Chris Harrison loves to call the "most dramatic season yet." 

LOL. Chris, you kill me. I keep watching for you, you know. 

BACHELOR PAD PROMO

Okay, so the Tell All naturally began with the Bach Pad promo to get us mentally prepared for life after The Bachelorette. I can’t with the Bach Pad promo, like multiple wedding proposals?! Please. They can’t all be Tanner and Jade LOL and then also I’m like kinda obsessed with Wells…like duh, and the fact that he gets likeee way to close with Ashley, cry-baby, Syracuse, thinks she's Kim Kardashian Ashley, then that makes me feel like he has awful taste in women…LOL. I’m sorry is that mean? JK, I’m just jealous…

Did anyone else realize he was 31?!!! Ugh. Perf. LOL. 

But, Wells is like the second guy I’d move to Nashville for…the first obv being Luke. DUH. But, he’s hands down the next Bachelor, like E! News basically confirmed it last night so, cant wait for THAT. I might even audition...

CHAD

Okay, so the WHOLE thing with Chad was likeee too much. Like the security guards and all the shady footage of him like eating raw potatoes and meat in his trailer…like COME ON ABC. The build up of character was like too aggressive. Don’t give him more of a platform -  OH WAIT TOO LATE. He's going to Paradise! (Chris Harrison voice). Ew. Chad is miz. 

Yikes. 

“Sometimes you chose apples when you shoulda chosen pickles.” Chad – WHAT?!!!!

“Yeah, that one I haven’t heard before…” – Chris. HA. 

And he gets MORE miz as the show goes on. One of the first things he talks about with Chad is the girls he's dated since the show who he admitted to be Grant and Robbie’s ex girlfriends…like WHAT?? WHO ARE YOU?! How'd you even find them! Poor Jen and Hope. (LOL). 

These guys tho...the cool kids corner. Fo sho. This is where I'd be. HAHA. 

But of course Chad wasn't done there. He then admitted on national television that he’s still talking to BOTH women! Excuse me?  WHERE ARE THESE GIRLS?! ARE THEY WATCHING?! HAHAHA I can't. But it’s fine because apparently Chad is an honest, REAL man, and unlike the rest of the guys. YA OKAY, Chad. Take a seat. Or go take a steroid.

Then that blonde guy, who like dressed up as Santa on the show, I forget his name because he didn’t really last that long on the show, like he was one of those guys that you see during the Tell All introduction and you’re like “OH who is he?!” SO Santa, gets up and decides to instigate a fight with Chad and then Canadian Dan stands up and he’s like: “Typical Americans always have to resort to violence” LOL. I mean I love Canada, but I DON'T like Dan. HAHA. And I have that imaged burned into my head of his Canadian flag speedo from the Paradise promo. Ew. 

YUP. Ew. 

The best part of the whole Tell All is OBV Luke though. He literally looked SO over everyone the whole episode.

“America has heard enough from you.” – Wells on Chad. HAHAHHAA. 

But the best part about the WHOLE Tell All? Luke OBV. He literally was like 100% so over everyone...lol. 

LUKE

Im sorry if I’m now a heartless bitch but my heart melted the first time I saw Luke…and now it no longer exists unless like he picks me…LOL.  #PickMeChoseMe (and if you don’t get that reference then you’ve GOT to watch more TV…its from Grey’s, obv).

So, this the basic rundown of everything that happened while Luke was in Le hot seat. 

1. LUKE SAYS HE STILL LOVES JOJO UGHHHHHHH MIZZZZZZ

Like sui, fuck, miz.

2. THEN HE SAYS HES A HOPELESS ROMANTIC

3. THEN HE TALKS ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE MILITARY AND EVERY GIRL BECAME LIKE SUPER EMOTIONAL

4. THEN EVERY GIRL IN AMERICA JUMPED OUT A WINDOW BECAUSE NO ONE HAS MET A GUY LIKE LUKE AND WE”RE ALL PRETTY SURE HE DOESN’T EXSISIT…

And even though they didn’t announce who the new bachelor is, there were SO many obvious drop hints like Luke saying: “If the opportunity comes around, I’m ready and open for love.”

YUP THERE IT IS. Next Bach BYE. And if that's NOT a Bachelor line then I don't know WHAT is. 

  

CHASE

Okay, so Chase is like hot and got like a GREAT presence like Jojo said, like he’s SO tall and built and def great in bed…LOL I mean he looks it anyway, (dumb dumb Jojo), but I think he’s like kinda boring. Like, even his hot seat time was boring.

Plus he always looks like he’s either high or deer in the head lights…

BUT he is right though, if Jojo didn’t feel the same way, she shouldn’t have even brought him into the fantasy suite. Like, WHY did she do that?! Ugh, it’s so frustrating. She’s LITERALLY so dumb. So hot, but dumb. 

JOJO

Welp, she not be so good with guys, but her she looked damn good at the Tell All. Per usual honestly. Her hair with that orange dress and her tan, woah girl looked SO fierce. Might be dumb when it comes to IDK picking the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with, cause lets be real Robbie nor Jordan or gonna last, she and Jordan are literally Andi and Josh 2.0, BUT the girl knows how to dress and she always, always looks banging.

Speaking of banging, lol...there’s a little rumor going around that miss Joelle has fake boobs. Hmmm. Not gonna lie I def didn’t notice, but after all the crouching and crying in that blue, sequin dress in the last episode, her boobs looked TOO perfect. Not saying the rumor is true, but I get it. HAHA.

Anyway, Jojo began her hot seat by talking to Luke first and saying the main reason why she sent him home was because the last date that they had wasn’t ideal for her because basically, he didn’t say the words 'I love you.'

OKAY here’s why I think that’s dumb.

1. Luke didn’t need to spell out I LOVE YOU. He freaking set up a rose pedal heart in a middle of the field and said “I love you” in the most ROMANTIC way ever by saying “My heart is yours.” LIKE WHAT?!!! WHO IS UNSURE ABOUT THAT?! No one

2. I don’t know WHY she’s acting like it wasn’t enough for her or she wasn’t into it because because SHE WAS FREAKING CRYING and literally being like “I just don’t want to go home.” SO pardon me for still being confused as to why you sent him home.

3. Only logical reason is that producers made her…because no girl can be THAT dumb. Unless she is that THAT’S MIZ.

AND THEN LUKE BLOWS EVERYONE’S MIND AGAIN – when he tells Jojo:  “Thank you for allowing me to love you.”

I MEAN  I CAN’T. Even Jojo like couldn’t. She was def thinking: 'FUCK. I’m totally with Jordan our relationship isn’t gonna last more than six months!' Yup, cause it’s not. TO be fair. Why? Because Jordan is Josh.

Josh = failed professional baseball player.

Jordan – failed professional football player.

Are the both hot? Yes.

Are they both dumb douche bags? Totally.

Do they look like they could’ve have been Andi and Jojo’s siblings? Yes.

 Is the relationship gonna last? Nope.

 

 JAMES TAYLOR 

This little sweet heart just took the time to say how beautiful and perfect Jojo was and while you’re like WOAH okay calm down, you were also like AWWWW. That man deserves the BEST women. What a guy. Even though it looked like Wells and Alex could have punched him in the face…

LOL.

CHAD...again. 

And of course, Chad got the last word in before the commercial break. He started out nice wishing Jojo good luck BUT THEN it took a drastic turn we he basically told her that her last two choices are were shit. WHY?

Well, because 1. Robbie apparently broke up with his gf weeks before to be on the show and because 2. Jordan is a spotlight hog that doesn’t even speak to his own brother…

And while you’re like OKAY Chad’s being an ASS…you're also like, JK he's totally right. LOL. I mean Jojo’s last two men SUCK. Like, she’s dumb and its embarrassing that Chad has to point that out…just saying.

But Jojo didn’t seem to care because having sex with Jordan must be great, HAHAHA so she said responding to Chad wasn’t even worth her breath which received a standing ovation from all the guys. OHHH SURE.

 VINNY

OH.MY.GOD.VINNY.

Okay, well first of all, on the show – Vinny looked kinda miz. I mean he was def, 100% a Vinny. Like I could have sworn he was one of the forgotten members of the Jersey Shore cast. LOL, like too guido for his own good.

But then he showed up to the Tell ALL looking all fly, with his new beard and his quaffed hair and he’s all, “Hey Jojo.”

So Smooth.

But then the best part of Vinny’s part wasn’t even Vinny at all. IT WAS HIS MOM. Vinny’s mom comes outta no where and she’s basically a bad mix of Long Island Medium and The Real Housewives of Jersey, and she’s all: “JO JO! You didn’t pick my boy?!”

LOLOLOLOL. DYING.

Hey at some point The Bachelor had to combine with the Real Housewives. They were just waiting for the right time. HAHA.

THE END

SO, then we see the preview for next week’s “most dramatic Bachelorette finale yet,” HA right. But it does kinda look like a shit show…Jojo seems like she's genuinely very confused about who to choose.

Well, hey, when you’re stuck with the two most miz choices, yeah that could be a toss up. LOL. Obviously Robbie is the WORST of the choices, but Jordan isn’t that much better…he’s just hot. But, he’s like dumb. But that also just clearly doesn’t matter because from the looks of it, Jojo is still having MAD DOUBT about Jordan, which does not a good husband OR boyfriend make HAHA, but because she’s having all the doubt most likely means she’s gonna pick him.

WHY?

Cause they never pick the good ones. Like this is not a Sean and Catherine situation….this, for the 500^th time, is a Andi and Josh situation. Hands down. And that ain't good. 

God, I love them. #1 Bach couple fo sho. 

OH WELL, I could care less now who Jojo picks. All I know is that I’m SO excited to see Jojo’s basically Persian mafia family again. The brothers?!! OMG. Can’t wait.

Tswift vs. Kendall J. Will Gigi Be BESTIE torn now?!

While Everyone Is Worried About Tay and Ye, We're More Concerned About What  GIGI HADID Is Gonna Do! Is This The End of #KenGi?! 

                

So, while everyone is spending their time what wondering what Taylor Swift and Kimye's next move is going to be, we're like totally concerned about super model/part-time Tswfit and part time Kardashian friend - Gigi Hadid.

Yes, that's right! We're calling this: WHAT WOULD GIGI DO?! But like seriously, what IS Gigi going to do? LOL. Like actually...this is obviously a super serious matter.


So, obviously on Monday shit hit the fan when Kimmy K called out Tay Switfizzle on Snapchat proving once and for all that Taylor Swift is well...what her new Wikipedia page says:

LOL. That person is a genius. 

And a few people came to Taylor Swift's defense (the usual suspects Selena Gomez who literally has no other friends BUT Taylor, Chloe Grace Moretz who is like 19 so WHY? LOL and Ruby Rose, who is a new member to the "squad," we love her but like don't care.)

But besides them...THAT'S ALL FOLKS! Why? Well, because more people in Hollywood actually hate Taylor than like  her. Legit. I mean the girl literally only has her "squad," but that thang changes so much because people be going in and out once they realize Tay is CRAY.

You know, I read a HILAR tweet online that said all of Taylor Swift's friends and ex boy friends should get together and write a song about Taylor and it would be like a bad rendition of "We are the World." LOLOL. AMAZE.  So, true tho.

(And if you're someone who doesn't get that "We are the World" reference or like doesn't know what that is...then you clearly don't even know what GOOD music is...nor are you a Micheal Jackson fan lol.  But naturally, I hyper-linked it just in case...)

But honestly, Taylor would probably respect it because SHE writes songs about people ALL the time! So, you know, she'd probably have like MAD LOVE for a song dedicated to her...

OR NOT...

Character assassination. HA. Well I mean she's kinda right...Kimye TOTALLY assassinated her. Like she gone. AND ALSO if she wanted to "excluded" than she wouldn't be trying to make this worse by sueing Kimye. SO BULL SHIT Tay. You lying again. 

Former "squad" member and now Tay hater, Zendya, along with people like Harry Styles (#formerflame), Haley Baldwin, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato, obv Calvin Harris, and more hinted at siding with Kim by liking TSwift hate media on Monday.

But people who remained quiet? Gigi and good ole British bestie, Cara Delevingne. Hmmm. OBVI both super models are friends with Taylor and were recently spotted at Taylor's forth of a July party in Rhode Island wearing matching swimsuits...

I really can't with the matching swimsuits, but I so really love the swimsuits, so this is tough for me.

And YES. People are spamming Tay's insta with the shit emoji now as opposed to the snakes which her PR team apparently cleared. LOL MIZ. 

SIDE NOTE: WHO and I mean WHO makes their boyfriend (of only like a FEW freaking weeks might I add) wear a freaking "I love T. Swift," tee shirt?! Like WTF?! I'm sorry no self-respecting man would wear that t-shirt.

photo via Pinterest. 

Like even if I was married and had like two kids and a dog, I would never make my husband, fiancee, boyfriend WHATEVER, wear a tee shirt that says I love M.E. Well, I also mainly wouldn't because if my BF is running around with initials that spell out M.E., then people can commonly mistake that for "me" and then people will think he's likeee super self centered, or gay and then we have like a boatload of other issues so that's just a whole different situation BUT you get what I mean.

ANYWAYS

BUT both models are ALSO friends with Kendall Jenner, aka the little Kardash fam member.

photo via Instagram. 

Now, we love us some Cara, and even though she's friends with Taylor, she kinda does her own thang and you know, is British. So, she good. But Gigi...well Gigi is now - KENGI!!! And when you're KENGI, you gotta make sure to keep that "KEN" in your "GI," otherwise a lot of people are gonna be like SO disappointed....and we're talking all those girls who own the "Kengi" tee shirts. LOL.

But seriously, they're such a beautiful model duo...I prefer KENGI over Taylor Swift ANY day, like their basically a celebrity couple. BUT does Gigi feel the same?? Gigi has even been on the Kardashians|!! So, will she continue to hang out with BOTH super famous friends or is Taylor just like too much bad PR right?

Cause honestly, Taylor is like a PR death trap for celebrities right now. GOOD JOB SELENA. LOL.

photo via Twitter

But personally, I think real character assassination would be the death of KENGI...so Gigi, you make the right choice now. And if you happen to inspire for "Bad Blood" two, well at least you've still got a Kardashian on your side, cause now we know what Kim is capable of. LOL.

#IMadeThatBitchFamous

JK THOOO. I actually reeeeally don't care because I like BELLA better anyways. Whoops.

KIM KALLS OUT TSWIFT AND ITS EPIC

Kim Kardashian Calls out Tswift For Being 'Famous'ly Shady About Her Involvement in Kanye's Song

                



THANK GOD!! I mean, it's about time someone called out Tswift for being the Kween of Shade, and I don't mean throwing shade, cause like letz be honest Taylor def isn't good at that, but I mean being a shaddddy fake betch. YUP. I am SO over Taylor playing the victim and acting like this super good girl when really its all just an act and she FAKE as fook. And if you know me...then ya'll know I hate fake bitches. Like, they're up there with those fake Chanel bags you buy on da street in China. (Like they look SOOO real but then you carry it around for a bit and finally start to get used to it and then like BOOM, you're strap breaks.) #NoThankYou.


And I gotta say, I didn't think Kim would be the one to do it, but now, I don't know...I think I have a newfound respect for her? Like, Kim calling out Tswift may have been the best thing she's ever done...and I realize this comes after Kim's recent Forbes cover naming her like the tech goddess of the world or some shiz, but I get it now. LOL.



ANYWAY, we have gathered here today for the #KimExposesTaylorParty, so let's freaking party!! 


SO basically, the deal is, ever since the song "Famous" came out, which is a great song, Taylor Swift has been preaching to the heavens about her innocence LOL and telling people that she was just a freaking Bambi in the head lights and she had NOO idea about the song, and she never communicated with Kanye about it or gave him consent to use her name in the song. OKAY.
 

Alright, so FINE. You couldn't really argue with what she was saying tho because there was no proof.  So, there was obv all this speculation about it and it just got to the point where Kanye looked like the bad guy and Kimmy K West was NOT having it. So, she did what any good wifey would do and set out to protect her hubby by proving ALL of us and TAY TAY wrong.
 #YouGotServed.


 

SOOO if you're one of the not-with-it-peoples who STILL hasn't watched the revealing ass videos with the OJ Simpson amount of evidence that Taylor DID in fact know and said SUUURE to Kanye's song lyric....
OR if you're one of those people who aren't gonna watch the videos because you're a fan of Tswift (okay...) OR if you just don't care...(dats cool tho), then HERE are some quotes from Tay and Ye's recorded telephone convo and I gotta say...Taylor sounds like SUPER thankful that Kanye called to give her the ummm "heads up." (That's one of the things she legit said in the call). 

QUOTES via Buzzfeed:





















Kanye raps the lyric for Taylor over da phone “For all my Southside niggas that know me best, I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex." 

Taylor: “I’m like this close to overexposure.”

Kanye: “Oh well this one is, uh — I think this is a really cool thing to have.”

Taylor: “I know! I mean it’s like a compliment kind of.”

Then later...

“And you know, if people ask me about it,” Taylor says, “I think it would be great for me to be like, ‘Look, he called me and told me about the line before it came out.’ Like, joke’s on you guys, we’re fine. You guys wanna call this a feud, you wanna call this throwing shade. But right after the song comes out, I’m gonna be on a Grammy red carpet and they’re gonna ask me about it. And I’m gonna be like, ‘He called me.’“

RIGHHHHTT....

BUT of course, we ALL know that's NOT how it went down at ALL. Taylor turned herself into the victim per usual and she denied ever talking to Kayne pre-Famous. And NOW, to be expected, Taylor is turning herself into the victim yet again saying that Kim shouldn't have recorded the phone call and that she didn't know Kanye was going to call her a 'bitch' in the song. 

OKAY TAYLOR...

1. NO Kim prob shouldn't have recorded the call, but that being the first thing you're pointing just makes you look reeeal guilty as if you had something to hide like IDK shady people...

2. YES, Kanye didn't say anything about the 'bitch' line on the phone call, I'll give you that. But why are you like SO worked up over him calling you a bitch? Like this isn't high school honey. It's a word, get over it. And you looking like you care so much just makes you look like you're super super insecure. ALSO you obviously gave him consent for the SEX line sooo like I don't see how bitch is worse than that? Character assassination? You gave consent to the sex part so if being call a bitch is the assassination part, then you need to chill. Try and file a defamation suit but that didn't werk for Lindsay Lohan vs Pitbull and it ain't gonna work for you.  

3. AND LASTLY YOU LIED ABOUT NOT EVEN HAVING IN INVOLVEMENT with the song...which is shady enough for me. 

#GirlBye. 



So, okay, okay, to be fair, this whole thing tho is just 100% A MESS. Like THIS is what has happened on social media since this morning: 

I mean yeah, it might as well be a dramatic episode of Glee. LOL. 

And ya Khloe may have gone likeeee a little bit toooooo far with dis pic of CGM tweeted this: 

Everyone in this industry needs to get their heads out of a hole and look around to realize what's ACTUALLY happening in the REAL world

And Khloe responded with this...yikes:  


Is this the a hole you're referring to @ChloeGMoretz ???



Yeah and the AWK thing is...that's like not even Chloe....WHOOPS 


But ya the truth is da truth. And I don't like love Kim, but I mean COME ON PEOPLE - you either a fake bitch or a crazy bitch when you have THAT many ex-friends and ex-boyfriends who don't have ONE good word to say about you! Like, that doesn't mean you're a chill person. Means you shady. 






LOL HARRY. #IAintSorry 




HAHA okay, sorry sorry, how dare I even bring Beyonce into this mess. My mistake.





OH PS. NY POST did a poll - Team Kanye or Team Taylor? 

Kanye is winning.
#IMadeThatBitchFamous