Juan Pablos Ladiess are CRAY: The Top Ten Things You Missed IF You Didn't Watch the Bachelor On Monday...(and if you did you feel me...)
les ladiess.
From the very second Juan Pablo and his fine self stepped out of the limo back on Des' season of the Bachelorette, I knew it was meant to be. That's right, I feel madly in love with the Venezuelan God just as he tried (key word being tried) to teach Des how to pronounce his name. Then the two shared a magical game of soccer where Juan showed off his pro futbol skills. AHHH swwwooon. Needless to say, he's perfect. Des was a huge idiot, but she did him and the world a favor because now he's the bachelor and its finaaally JUANURARY. <3 <3
The 2 hr Bachelor premiere on Monday night was as crazy as we expected. Juan, being, Juan, got his pot of ladies boosted up to 27 from the normal 25. KILLINNN IT. But, while that was great for him...it wasn't so awesome for us girls who were at home watching. The main reason being because we OBV all wanted to be there fighting for Juan's roses (and then some ;) ...), yet these randooo girls ranging in ages from 21 - 32 ( Dont EVEN get me started on the 21 year old...), are the chosen ones and some of them are just...well miz. Ah, yes, don't we just LOVE when people make fools of themselves on reality television? As much as you wannaaa make out with Juan Pablo (again, and then some ;) ...), you're also glad that America isn't laughing at
you. NOT with you - def AT you.
Here's all the fabulousss bachelor television gold you might have missed:
1. This goes without saying buuut Juan Pablo and his beautifulness. I mean shirt off, shirt on, shirt off...he looks great. I could watch this man 24/7. If anything he is the MAIN reason why you should be tuning into the bachelor. Duh. Just pretend the girls aren't there...
2. Camilla. I mean...his daughter?! Ugh. He's like the best dad. And you're like wait - I want him to be my dad!! But then he's running on the beach shirtlesss and then you're like OH JK...trynaa hook up with this man. But Camilla is perf, and I'm NOT over her golden hair. UGHH. She's 100% gonna be some Venezuelan hair goddess model when she's older! Whoever her mom is, which is still a mystery, she fucked up. #idiot.
3. The overly excited, always smiling, can't stop taking, blonde pediatrician. She's SO giddy its super annoying. You like wanna tell her that life isn't all that great and the world is a dangerous place...but no, I'm pretty sure she'd just smile and whip out a stethoscope and listen to your heart...
4. OH there are 2 black girls this time around!! One girl who is obv half black (I guess she counts), and Chantel. OH I'm sorry I mean ssshhhh-antel. That is how she teaches Juan to say her name, and we all laughed and said is home gurl for REALL, but then her name is the only name Juan remembers sooo...she's wins.
5. THE CAREER DESCRIPTIONS FOR THESE WOMEN. And I thought "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and "Professional Organizer" were bad in the past seasons. I was wrong. Well...6 and 7...
6. The Free Spirit. She jumps out of the limo like she's at may poll festival with a flowy dress (which I actually loved...) and flowers in her hair and NO SHOES. She's a free spirit. AKA: Jobless.
7. The Dog Lover. I love dogs, you love dogs, but its NOT our careers!! Of course this girl brings along her dog...Molly. Cuuute, but likeee no.
(SPOILER ALERT: These two end up getting a rose...SO I mean I guess Juan is down...)
8. The crier. UGH. This girlll. I just could NOT. The poor girl was engaged a few months agoo (!!!!) and her former flame called her up and called it off. SUCKS. Now she's channeling all that emotional baggage onto reality TV and freaaaking cries to Juan about it. No, no, and no. STOP CRYINGG. It's the first night! Is that a joke?? Jesus. She is not tough enough for the lions den.
9. THE MESSAGE THERAPIST. OH MY GOD. She gives Juan a full bodymessage through his suit...it looks like she is GROPING the shit out of him and she's getting off while do it...it's honestly the scariest thing. This is truly something you have to see to believe...
10. Saved the Best for last. The ginger in the pink dress. First of all, whoever thought that she should wear a bubble gum pink dress with her red hair was wrong. She looked like Valentine's day. Secondly...I mean she wanted the rose SOO badly. Wow. That awkward moment when Juan Pablo calls someone else's name and you think it's your name and you BOTH walk up to accept the rose...AHHH. Poor Kaitlin (red head)...heard Juan say "KAT" aka the girl behind her...and Kaitlin obv jumped to the rose before Kat could. SO AWK. SO AWK. Everyone in America had a bad cause of third person awkwardness. Especially when poor Kaitlin didn't get a rose...#yikes #sui #miz
"Can you take both of us?" Katherine pleads. UMM no.
Can't wait for next Monday. Don't you just looove Juanurary?? My money is on the opera singer and the lawyer. 100%.
