BACH MEN TELL ALL RECAP

This Just In: JOJO's BOOBS are FAKE!! (LOL well, maybe)... But Here's Our Bachelor MEN TELL RECAP!!

On Tuesday, night we all to a break from watching what has been quite a star-studded DNC, to get our MEN TELL ALL ON. Oh YEAH! The Tell All is one of the BEST episodes, if not the best episode of the complete Bachelor season. So let's hope into what my man Chris Harrison loves to call the "most dramatic season yet." 

LOL. Chris, you kill me. I keep watching for you, you know. 

BACHELOR PAD PROMO

Okay, so the Tell All naturally began with the Bach Pad promo to get us mentally prepared for life after The Bachelorette. I can’t with the Bach Pad promo, like multiple wedding proposals?! Please. They can’t all be Tanner and Jade LOL and then also I’m like kinda obsessed with Wells…like duh, and the fact that he gets likeee way to close with Ashley, cry-baby, Syracuse, thinks she's Kim Kardashian Ashley, then that makes me feel like he has awful taste in women…LOL. I’m sorry is that mean? JK, I’m just jealous…

Did anyone else realize he was 31?!!! Ugh. Perf. LOL. 

But, Wells is like the second guy I’d move to Nashville for…the first obv being Luke. DUH. But, he’s hands down the next Bachelor, like E! News basically confirmed it last night so, cant wait for THAT. I might even audition...

CHAD

Okay, so the WHOLE thing with Chad was likeee too much. Like the security guards and all the shady footage of him like eating raw potatoes and meat in his trailer…like COME ON ABC. The build up of character was like too aggressive. Don’t give him more of a platform -  OH WAIT TOO LATE. He's going to Paradise! (Chris Harrison voice). Ew. Chad is miz. 

Yikes. 

“Sometimes you chose apples when you shoulda chosen pickles.” Chad – WHAT?!!!!

“Yeah, that one I haven’t heard before…” – Chris. HA. 

And he gets MORE miz as the show goes on. One of the first things he talks about with Chad is the girls he's dated since the show who he admitted to be Grant and Robbie’s ex girlfriends…like WHAT?? WHO ARE YOU?! How'd you even find them! Poor Jen and Hope. (LOL). 

These guys tho...the cool kids corner. Fo sho. This is where I'd be. HAHA. 

But of course Chad wasn't done there. He then admitted on national television that he’s still talking to BOTH women! Excuse me?  WHERE ARE THESE GIRLS?! ARE THEY WATCHING?! HAHAHA I can't. But it’s fine because apparently Chad is an honest, REAL man, and unlike the rest of the guys. YA OKAY, Chad. Take a seat. Or go take a steroid.

Then that blonde guy, who like dressed up as Santa on the show, I forget his name because he didn’t really last that long on the show, like he was one of those guys that you see during the Tell All introduction and you’re like “OH who is he?!” SO Santa, gets up and decides to instigate a fight with Chad and then Canadian Dan stands up and he’s like: “Typical Americans always have to resort to violence” LOL. I mean I love Canada, but I DON'T like Dan. HAHA. And I have that imaged burned into my head of his Canadian flag speedo from the Paradise promo. Ew. 

YUP. Ew. 

The best part of the whole Tell All is OBV Luke though. He literally looked SO over everyone the whole episode.

“America has heard enough from you.” – Wells on Chad. HAHAHHAA. 

But the best part about the WHOLE Tell All? Luke OBV. He literally was like 100% so over everyone...lol. 

LUKE

Im sorry if I’m now a heartless bitch but my heart melted the first time I saw Luke…and now it no longer exists unless like he picks me…LOL.  #PickMeChoseMe (and if you don’t get that reference then you’ve GOT to watch more TV…its from Grey’s, obv).

So, this the basic rundown of everything that happened while Luke was in Le hot seat. 

1. LUKE SAYS HE STILL LOVES JOJO UGHHHHHHH MIZZZZZZ

Like sui, fuck, miz.

2. THEN HE SAYS HES A HOPELESS ROMANTIC

3. THEN HE TALKS ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE MILITARY AND EVERY GIRL BECAME LIKE SUPER EMOTIONAL

4. THEN EVERY GIRL IN AMERICA JUMPED OUT A WINDOW BECAUSE NO ONE HAS MET A GUY LIKE LUKE AND WE”RE ALL PRETTY SURE HE DOESN’T EXSISIT…

And even though they didn’t announce who the new bachelor is, there were SO many obvious drop hints like Luke saying: “If the opportunity comes around, I’m ready and open for love.”

YUP THERE IT IS. Next Bach BYE. And if that's NOT a Bachelor line then I don't know WHAT is. 

  

CHASE

Okay, so Chase is like hot and got like a GREAT presence like Jojo said, like he’s SO tall and built and def great in bed…LOL I mean he looks it anyway, (dumb dumb Jojo), but I think he’s like kinda boring. Like, even his hot seat time was boring.

Plus he always looks like he’s either high or deer in the head lights…

BUT he is right though, if Jojo didn’t feel the same way, she shouldn’t have even brought him into the fantasy suite. Like, WHY did she do that?! Ugh, it’s so frustrating. She’s LITERALLY so dumb. So hot, but dumb. 

JOJO

Welp, she not be so good with guys, but her she looked damn good at the Tell All. Per usual honestly. Her hair with that orange dress and her tan, woah girl looked SO fierce. Might be dumb when it comes to IDK picking the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with, cause lets be real Robbie nor Jordan or gonna last, she and Jordan are literally Andi and Josh 2.0, BUT the girl knows how to dress and she always, always looks banging.

Speaking of banging, lol...there’s a little rumor going around that miss Joelle has fake boobs. Hmmm. Not gonna lie I def didn’t notice, but after all the crouching and crying in that blue, sequin dress in the last episode, her boobs looked TOO perfect. Not saying the rumor is true, but I get it. HAHA.

Anyway, Jojo began her hot seat by talking to Luke first and saying the main reason why she sent him home was because the last date that they had wasn’t ideal for her because basically, he didn’t say the words 'I love you.'

OKAY here’s why I think that’s dumb.

1. Luke didn’t need to spell out I LOVE YOU. He freaking set up a rose pedal heart in a middle of the field and said “I love you” in the most ROMANTIC way ever by saying “My heart is yours.” LIKE WHAT?!!! WHO IS UNSURE ABOUT THAT?! No one

2. I don’t know WHY she’s acting like it wasn’t enough for her or she wasn’t into it because because SHE WAS FREAKING CRYING and literally being like “I just don’t want to go home.” SO pardon me for still being confused as to why you sent him home.

3. Only logical reason is that producers made her…because no girl can be THAT dumb. Unless she is that THAT’S MIZ.

AND THEN LUKE BLOWS EVERYONE’S MIND AGAIN – when he tells Jojo:  “Thank you for allowing me to love you.”

I MEAN  I CAN’T. Even Jojo like couldn’t. She was def thinking: 'FUCK. I’m totally with Jordan our relationship isn’t gonna last more than six months!' Yup, cause it’s not. TO be fair. Why? Because Jordan is Josh.

Josh = failed professional baseball player.

Jordan – failed professional football player.

Are the both hot? Yes.

Are they both dumb douche bags? Totally.

Do they look like they could’ve have been Andi and Jojo’s siblings? Yes.

 Is the relationship gonna last? Nope.

 

 JAMES TAYLOR 

This little sweet heart just took the time to say how beautiful and perfect Jojo was and while you’re like WOAH okay calm down, you were also like AWWWW. That man deserves the BEST women. What a guy. Even though it looked like Wells and Alex could have punched him in the face…

LOL.

CHAD...again. 

And of course, Chad got the last word in before the commercial break. He started out nice wishing Jojo good luck BUT THEN it took a drastic turn we he basically told her that her last two choices are were shit. WHY?

Well, because 1. Robbie apparently broke up with his gf weeks before to be on the show and because 2. Jordan is a spotlight hog that doesn’t even speak to his own brother…

And while you’re like OKAY Chad’s being an ASS…you're also like, JK he's totally right. LOL. I mean Jojo’s last two men SUCK. Like, she’s dumb and its embarrassing that Chad has to point that out…just saying.

But Jojo didn’t seem to care because having sex with Jordan must be great, HAHAHA so she said responding to Chad wasn’t even worth her breath which received a standing ovation from all the guys. OHHH SURE.

 VINNY

OH.MY.GOD.VINNY.

Okay, well first of all, on the show – Vinny looked kinda miz. I mean he was def, 100% a Vinny. Like I could have sworn he was one of the forgotten members of the Jersey Shore cast. LOL, like too guido for his own good.

But then he showed up to the Tell ALL looking all fly, with his new beard and his quaffed hair and he’s all, “Hey Jojo.”

So Smooth.

But then the best part of Vinny’s part wasn’t even Vinny at all. IT WAS HIS MOM. Vinny’s mom comes outta no where and she’s basically a bad mix of Long Island Medium and The Real Housewives of Jersey, and she’s all: “JO JO! You didn’t pick my boy?!”

LOLOLOLOL. DYING.

Hey at some point The Bachelor had to combine with the Real Housewives. They were just waiting for the right time. HAHA.

THE END

SO, then we see the preview for next week’s “most dramatic Bachelorette finale yet,” HA right. But it does kinda look like a shit show…Jojo seems like she's genuinely very confused about who to choose.

Well, hey, when you’re stuck with the two most miz choices, yeah that could be a toss up. LOL. Obviously Robbie is the WORST of the choices, but Jordan isn’t that much better…he’s just hot. But, he’s like dumb. But that also just clearly doesn’t matter because from the looks of it, Jojo is still having MAD DOUBT about Jordan, which does not a good husband OR boyfriend make HAHA, but because she’s having all the doubt most likely means she’s gonna pick him.

WHY?

Cause they never pick the good ones. Like this is not a Sean and Catherine situation….this, for the 500^th time, is a Andi and Josh situation. Hands down. And that ain't good. 

God, I love them. #1 Bach couple fo sho. 

OH WELL, I could care less now who Jojo picks. All I know is that I’m SO excited to see Jojo’s basically Persian mafia family again. The brothers?!! OMG. Can’t wait.